Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Jacko becomes masked fast-food crusader
Ananova: Celebrities: "Michael Jackson has burst into the office of his local Congressman wearing a Spiderman mask - to complain about the lack of fast-food restaurants near his Neverland ranch."

If this story involved any other celebrity, I'd think it was horse poop. But Michael Jackson is the Chuck Yeager of weird, so the idea of him bursting into a politician's office demanding to know about fast food really doesn't carry the shock value one might expect.

Really, Jacko in a Spiderman mask is less frightening than Jacko without the mask. The guy has had himself surgically tranformed into a B-movie version of an alien. Kind of a cross between LaToya and one of those little dudes from the final scenes in "Close Encounters." That nose stopped having anything to do with human anatomy long ago.

It's like this: Imagine that Jacko had a special machine built that would make him look like Diana Ross. And imagine that ten minutes in this machine would make Ernest Borgnine look like Diana Ross. Michael Jackson looks like he lived in that machine for several months, emerging as a hyper-Diana. An Extreme Supreme. And he has kids. An army of psychiatrists won't keep those kids from one day showing up on a roof with a rifle.