Ho Ho Holograms and Lasers

Holiday cheer is in short supply in 2020. Under the weight of rampant news  the Coronavirus, political turmoil, and economic uncertainty, I find myself desperately grasping at any yuletide diversion. 

If you are similarly in need of such a diversion, you’ve come to the right place. This episode is based on an essay I wrote in 1995. It was originally published in several regional print publications, and was eventually included in the collection There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays, published by Papier-Mache Press in 1997. To my surprise, the book is still available. 

So, for your holiday enjoyment, here is “It’s New, It’s Improved, It’s Christmas.” Let’s see where it goes...

 The holiday season is a time of rituals. Some of these rituals — the shopping, the music, the decorations, and the food -- are comforting in their predictability. But the relentless nature of  the shopping, the music, the decorations, and the food can also leave you curled into the fetal position, whimpering in some dark corner. 

How you react to the various rituals depends a lot on your general disposition and your credit card balance. For my part, I love Christmas. But there is one Christmas ritual that really tangles my tinsel, and that’s the seasonal editorializing about how the modern celebration of Christmas pales in comparison to Christmases past. 

It’s not that the old notions of how to celebrate Christmas aren’t all cozy and romantic -- you can’t binge watch marathon showings of “It’s a Wonderful White Christmas Carol Story on Thirty-Fourth Street” without shedding a teardrop or two into your plate of Christmas nachos. It’s just that the loudest cheerleaders for “old fashioned” holiday celebrations reliably overlook the fact that back in the day people didn’t have the option of doing it any other way. 

Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh? No thanks. When Christmas morning rolls around I’m happy to have a well-equipped SUV warming up in the driveway for the ride to grandma’s place. I figure a horse-drawn sleigh is big fun for maybe ten minutes. After that you’re going to want Old Dobbin the haul ass  back to someplace warm where the eggnog is spiked and the family can gather in the flickering blue glow of a giant Hi-Def television to contemplate the true meaning of football. 

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire? Sorry, no fireplace. We’ve got a furnace for heat, and stuffing nuts in there  voids the warranty. Any of the roasting we do these days is in the microwave, and I’m pretty sure that if you put chestnuts in the microwave they would become little Yuletide hand grenades. Although, if you’ve got a snootful of Yule Grog, watching chestnuts explore in your microwave might be a real hoot. 

Some people may see microwave ovens as a symptom of creeping non-traditional holiday-ism. But I’ll be you that if microwave ovens  were available in Charles Dickens’  day, the Cratchits wouldn’t have had to entertain an uncharacteristically giddy Ebenezer Scrooge  for however long it takes to cook a fine, fat goose.

Holiday entertaining is, in fact, the one area that even the most severe critic of modern practices would have to admit has not changed much since Tim was Tiny. A good holiday  celebration, then as now, still involved lots of food, free-flowing drink, and a gathering of family and friends -- some of whom you’re as happy to see as a subpoena. Just as the Cratchit’s Christmas was spent with a man who, for all they knew, had suffered some kind of head trauma, so the modern holiday gathering include relatives or acquaintances who, because they watch too many talk shows, and/or have poor personal hygiene, and/or fail to maintain scheduled medication, you would normally avoid like a plate of frosted botulism. But in the spirit of the season, you smile warmly at the mystery uncle wandering around half-crocked, holding a clump of mistletoe over his sweaty, balding head. 

Charles Dickens’ story wouldn’t have become the holiday classic it has if, having spotted on their doorstep an insanely grinning, raw-poultry bearing, fresh off a rough night Scrooge, the Cratchits had pulled their shades and pretended not to be home. Which is probably what I would have done. 

Instead, knowing full well his reputation as a career grouch, they welcomed him into their home, giving us a touching story that teaches a valuable  lesson about how a little Christmas spirit can get the boss to pry a little cash out of his seldom-opened wallet. 

Sure, Christmas has changed over the years. It now starts just before Halloween. And the modern Christmas involves a lot more technology. But that just means a bigger, brighter, louder Christmas, with lasers and holograms and stuff. But even with all the noise and glitz, and by my count three entire cable networks devoted to fatally syrupy holiday romance movies, the holiday season still represents a time of hope that the nut jobs of the world will wake up and realize that peace on earth is a win-win proposition for everybody. If making Christmas bigger and louder and shinier helps to get that message across, fire up the lasers. 

 

Production Resources

• Thanks to the YouTube Audio Library for the following music tracks:
  • Christmas Village, by Aaron Kenny
  • Jingle Bells, performed by E's Jammy Jams
  • We Wish You a Merry Christmas, by E's Jammy Jams
• Sound Effects provided by Freesound.org and PacDV.com
• Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Man on the Moon: Interview with Apollo 12 Astronaut Alan Bean

The previous episode of this podcast focused on aliens who have traveled through outer space to visit the Earth. This episode flips things around a bit to focus on a member of a very exclusive group of Earthlings who have set foot on solid ground that is not earth.

On November 14, 1969 a Saturn V rocket -- more than 360 feet long and weighing over 6 and a half million pounds, lifted off from Cape Kennedy carrying the Apollo 12 spacecraft. On board were three astronauts, mission commander Charles “Pete” Conrad, command module pilot Richard F. Gordon, and lunar module pilot Alan L. Bean.

On November 19th, after traveling nearly 240 thousand miles to orbit the moon, Pete Conrad and Alan Bean boarded the lunar excursion module, detached from the command module, and descended to the dusty gray surface below them, landing in an area known as the Ocean of Storms.

Conrad exited first, followed by Bean, to become the third and fourth human beings to walk on the lunar surface.

After two excursions to gather data and collect samples, they boarded the Lunar Module on November 20th to rejoin Gordon in the command module for the return trip to earth. On November 24,1969, Apollo 12 safely splashed down in the Pacific Ocean near American Samoa.

In July 1973 Alan Bean returned to space as commander of the Skylab space station. In his lifetime, Bean spent a total of nearly 70 days in space.

In 1998 I had the incredible opportunity to conduct a live, in-studio interview with Alan Bean, who was then on a book tour promoting Apollo: An Eyewitness Account, which he co-authored with writer Andrew Chaikin. The book, which is still available, features original artwork by Commander Bean depicting his experiences in the Apollo program.

November 14, 2020 marks the 51st anniversary of the Apollo 12 mission. In celebration of that event, this edition of the Where It Goes podcast presents that interview.

In the interview Commander Bean shares his insight into his time as an astronaut, discusses the personal impact of being one of only 12 human beings to set foot on the moon, and offers his thoughts on the future of the human exploration of space.

The interview reveals Commander Bean to be a warm, affable, and humble man, everything you’d want from a hero.

Of course. all journeys come to an end. Commander Bean died in Houston, Texas on May 26, 2018, at the age of 86. He was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery, where he joins his Apollo 12 crewmates Richard Gordon, who passed away at the age of 88 in 2017, and Pete Conrad Jr., who died in 1999 from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident. Conrad was 69 years old.

For more information about Alan Bean and Apollo 12 check out these additional resources:

• Book: Apollo : An Eyewitness Account 
• Alan Bean: First Artist on Another World 
• Alan Bean, Apollo Moonwalker and Artist, Dies at 86

In Space No One Can Hear You Snore

We’ve been conditioned by books, movies, and television to have certain expectations regarding extraterrestrial visitors. Whether they’re cute and cuddly, like ET, or hideous and rude, like the critters from the Alien and Predator films, we have it in our heads that visitors from beyond Earth will be, if nothing else, interesting. But there is another possibility...

Friends of Me Episode 1: Actor / Writer Miki Yamashita

What do you really know about the entertainment industry? My friend Miki Yamashita, an actor and writer living in Los Angeles, knows it from the ground up. While Miki may not have achieved the kind of showbiz status that would make her a TMZ target -- not yet, anyway --  her tireless efforts at building her career as an actor resulted in roles in  Law and Order, One Life to Live, As the World Turns, iCarly,  Jimmy Kimmel Live, and the road company of A Chorus Line, not to mention appearances in TV commercials and Funny or Die videos.

Miki shares her real-world and frequently hilarious insight into the entertainment industry through her blog, The Smacktress and in postings on Facebook and Twitter

In this video interview, the first in a four-part series, Miki talks about why she has never been to a Kardashian party and about the enormous effort that goes into getting just one line in a movie or TV program.



Connect with Miki Yamashita

Boomer Barbie

The bit below is another from my archives. Originally published during the Christmas season sometime in the late 90s, I've hastily dusted it off and updated it to coincide with the 55th anniversary of Barbie's introduction.

For fifty-five years little girls (and little boys with open-minded parents) have elbowed their way to the foot of the family Christmas tree to frantically claw at gaily wrapped presents in anticipation of finding Barbie. Today many of Barbie's fans are adults who continue to collect Barbie stuff. But you have to wonder if some of these mature fans aren't thinking that it's about time for Barbie to act her age.

Fifty-five years after Barbie's introduction she doesn't look a day over eighteen. And if eternal youth isn't irritating enough, she's got truckloads of clothing, several homes, and a vast collection of sporty pink cars. A kid can look at all this and think that she (or he) has a chance of living a Barbie life. But if you're a middle-aged Barbie nut there must be times when you imagine that she's looking at you and saying, "I'm so glad I'm not you." Nobody likes having their nose rubbed in their own shortcomings and mortality, especially not by an eleven-inch tall polystyrene bimbo who falls over backward if she isn't wearing heels.

Let's face it, if she was a teenager when she began her career fifty-five years ago, she's over seventy now. Who is she to talk? Christmas would be a lot happier for adult Barbie fans if they could find a Barbie under their tree that more accurately reflected the lifestyles of people who have a problem identifying with a plastic figure that never has to worry about gray hair, wrinkles, or hot flashes.

The solution: Boomer Barbie, and a full line of Boomer Barbie accessories. Boomer Barbie resembles the original Barbie, but she has to really work at it with frequent visits to the Boomer Barbie Rodeo Drive Maison De Make-Over, where you can make the grey go away with her special One-Coat Miracle Rinse, and restore that youthful smoothness with All Natural Organic Face Spackle. After a tough day at Boomer Barbie's Rancho De Landfill Real Estate Office, our synthetic siren likes to return home to Boomer Barbie's Big Divorce Settlement Dream House, complete with Jacuzzi, redwood deck, and Jorge The Muscular Gardener, with patent-pending Magic Hands.

Boomer Barbie doesn't hit the gym quite as often these days, so her closet is full of all new stuff, too, featuring many flattering, loose-fitting dresses, and lots of elastic-waisted pants.

Of course, Barbie's friend Ken hasn't forgotten his adult fans either. Boomer Ken is available in your choice of models, including Comb-Over Ken, Bad Hairpiece Ken, and Never Takes Off His Baseball Cap Ken. Each model comes dressed in roomy pleated khakis, and is equipped with a life-like, battery-operated paunch. Touch the hidden button and watch it jiggle! You can help Ken keep those mid-life crisis blues at bay with Boomer Ken's Deluxe Virility Restoration Kit, which includes the Ridiculously Expensive Sports Car, and Boomer Ken's special new friend, Chippie The Twenty-Three Year Old Fitness Consultant.

The introduction of a line of Boomer Barbie products will prove to grown-up Barbie fans that their favorite fashion princess is finally admitting that she's at the age when a full day of inline skating, beach volleyball, mountain biking, and clubbing is likely to result in a ride in the Boomer Barbie Ambulance. Boomer Barbie would much rather stay home, pop a handful of antioxidants, and watch FoodTV.

A Brief History of Husbands

 

By Bob Rhubart

The human race owes exactly half the credit for its continued existence to husbands. Without husbands the race would have long ago died out, or possibly just evolved, somehow, into a female-only civilization with one of the Gabor sisters as the queen.

The important point here is that the human race, along with all other living things, relies on the natural urge for members of one gender to seek out members of the other to form bonded pairs and to propagate, which is a word derived from a Latin expression that, roughly translated, means, "Put on that Barry White album, baby, its happy hour." Husbands have always been there to do their part.

Any examination of the history of husbands must go back to the very beginnings of life on the planet. According to many scientists, the first life on earth was in the form of tiny bacteria, swimming merrily around in the pools of warm muck that formed on the surface of the planet at that time. These tiny, brainless creatures didn't have a thought in their heads, because they didn't have heads. What they had was the instinct for survival, and that meant always making more germs. There was an actual process they used to achieve this. But the only people who know anything about it are scientists who have spent long hours staring into puddles of muck with powerful microscopes, and no one has any interest in engaging one of them in a conversation. Lets just say that the puddle of germs eventually became something that could take out the garbage.

These early, primitive husbands co-existed with the wild beasts, learning to hunt with the skill of the lion, and to run with the swiftness of the deer (though later they found that two-legged running was faster and a lot more comfortable). The primitive husband was physically very much like the modern husband, except his brain was much smaller and it was protected by a very thick skull. In fact, primitive husbands skulls were so thick that one of their favorite pastimes was an early form of bungie-jumping. Of course, as husbands evolved, their skulls became thinner, and it became necessary to invent the bungie cord. There was much to learn.

The primitive husband learned that even though his primitive wife had no problem with skinning, gutting and cooking whatever creature he had hunted down, she still would wake him from a perfectly good nap by saying, "Get up! I want you to kill this spider!" The primitive husband would then have to spend the next forty-five minutes wildly bludgeoning an angry, 100-pound arachnid.

In time spiders got smaller. This freed up the husbands to build new shelter, since the wives were getting fed up with living in caves and huts. And even when the new home was completed, it seemed that there was always something to fix around the house. Eventually, husbands learned to fashion special tools to make the jobs easier, including the lever, the fulcrum, and the cordless electric screwdriver.

Many husbands became quite adept at fixing all the various broken things around the house, and this led wives to expect increasingly more complex and technical repairs: "The faucet drips, the car doesn't run right, and the dog needs a new kidney." The husband was happy to oblige, because this increased the possibility of propagation.
As you can see, civilization would be a lot different without husbands. Probably much safer, cleaner, and better organized, but different. There sure as hell would be a lot more spiders.

The Mass Transit Guide to Making New Friends

“According to the American Public Transportation Association’s (APTA) April Transit Savings Report, individuals who ride public transportation instead of driving can save, on average, $844 this month, and $10,126 annually.”
- From a press release from the American Public Transportation Association.

With gas prices on the rise yet again, commuters  who in the past have avoided public transportation may now be having a change of heart. If you fall into this category, you are to be congratulated. Public transportation offers a convenient, inexpensive, and environmentally friendly alternative to driving, and the intimacy of public transportation provides an excellent opportunity to connect with your fellow commuters on a level that is impossible when you are behind the wheel of a car.

But connecting with other passengers on a bus or train car isn't always easy. Many are seasoned commuters, practiced in the art of ignoring each other. You must recognize the challenge presented by a large public conveyance full of surly, coffee-stoked wage slaves, each one desperately hoping that you won't sit by them, talk to them, or in any way intrude on their quietly desperate lives. But as a good citizen and new public transportation commuter, you should make it your mission to shatter the cocoon of everyday anxiety and paranoia that surrounds your fellow human beings by proving to each of them just how far you'll go to cultivate a close personal relationship.

The first thing you want to do is get their attention. One way to accomplish this is through music. And what musical instrument is more appropriate for morning than the bugle? There's nothing more exhilarating to a busload of bleary-eyed income-earners than a rousing reveille. A few might be so energized by your performance that they'll ask the driver to let them out early, just so they can walk the last sixty-five blocks to work! The next step is to entertain the remaining passengers with your acting abilities. Imagine how quickly the people around you will forget all about their troubles when you recreate a scene from the classic film, "Taxi Driver." When they hear the lines, "You talkin' to me? You must be talkin' to me," they'll be transfixed. You're winning them over! But there is still work to do.

Next, you'll want to impress them with your athletic prowess. Few things in life are more awe-inspiring than watching a master martial artist break a big block of ice with his face. I know, you're thinking that you're not a martial artist, and if you try to get a two-hundred pound block of ice on the bus, the driver will charge you an extra fare. Don't be silly! Just bring a tray of ice cubes. If you follow up your bugle playing and acting debut by making a big batch of crushed ice with your forehead, it won't be long before you're on the "A" list for all the right parties!

But maybe you're not flamboyant enough to pull off those kinds of pal-attracting stunts. No problem! Go for a more subtle approach. You may want to try just making eye contact with a particular passenger. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just pick somebody out and stare at them. Don't even blink. Let your eyes send the message that you are the kind of person who really wants to connect with people. It usually only takes about forty-five minutes before you find that you've made that person feel something really special.

The main thing in making friends on public transportation is to just have fun. Remember to laugh. Laugh quietly to yourself, or laugh right out loud, but laugh. All the time. No matter what anyone says to you, no matter if they ask for identification, or put handcuffs on you or try to inject you with some kind of tranquilizer. Just laugh. People will remember you. Isn't that what friendship is all about?

 

del.icio.us Tags: gas prices,commuting,public transportation,humor.

 

LiveJournal Tags: gas prices,commuting,public transportation,humor.

Tools of Guy Power

There are many ways for a guy to affirm his masculinity. Some  -- mixed martial arts cage fighting, for instance, or bungie jumping into a mountain chasm -- carry for the regular guy a significant risk of the humiliation that comes with whimpering and wetting your pants in public.  But for most guys, guys like me who aren’t ultra-violent ‘roid freaks or suicidal Jackass wannabees, power tools offer a safe, rational way to say to the world, “I have a penis.”

Of course anybody, even women, can buy power tools. And just owning a drill or a reciprocating saw will barely move the needle on the Guy-O-Meter. So if your goal is to wave Y chromosome around like the Jolly Roger, you need to actually do something with your power tools.
 
If you’re a carpenter or otherwise use power tools professionally, you’re already at the Jedi level in the guy hierarchy. Crack open a brewski, dude, scratch the body part of your choice, and baskl in your testosteronishness.
 
If, on the other hand, your power tools are just laying in their cases, their disuse taunting you with its unspoken suggestion that you’re better suited to ironing doilies, you can shut them up by following one of two paths to total male guyness.
 
The first path is to successfully complete a home project. If you can pull that off and whatever you build doesn’t fall over or explode within the first forty-eight hours, you’ve got it covered. Go back two paragraphs and see if the carpenter will give you a beer.
 
But successful home projects involving power tools require things like “measurement” and “precision” and “patience.” I don’t know about you, but those three words have never come into play any time I’ve ever described a really great weekend.
 
For instance, on a long-ago Saturday my wife asked me to use my power tools to remove a wall. The wall in question was in our own home, so right away the entertainment value of that project dropped to zero. The situation didn’t improve when, after I’d finished, my wife changed her mind and asked me to put the wall back -- which was a lot more difficult than taking it down, and required measurement, precision, and patience. Which is why, even years later, that wall may fall over or explode at any moment.
 
So if you rule out the use of power tools in a home project as proof that you would never admit to knowing the name “Carrie Bradshaw,” what’s left?
 
The answer is to use your power tools for purposes that a) will void the warranty,  and b) are likely to so offend power tool purists that they will send hit men, or lawyers, or lawyers on retainer with hit men to stop you.
 
For examples of such innovative and distinctly male uses of power tools, let’s turn to the vast cultural archive that is YouTube.
 
The first example is a video by a guy who identifies himself only as “The Gareth Peasant.” Mr. Peasant prepares an entire meal using drills, saws, beer, hammers, torches, beer, clothes irons, a hubcap, beer cans, a protective face guard, and beer. He does his “cooking” in workshop that would require serious disinfection in order to be considered merely unsanitary. I’d rather stab myself in the brain with a pencil than eat one of the Gareth Peasant’s meals. But by virtue of his use of power tools there’s no question that he’s a guy.
 

 
In our next video, Chef Francois, the Power Tool Chef, offers a more sanitary,  somewhat more appetizing, and certainly better produced demonstration of food preparation techniques using a variety of power tools. Plenty of guy cred here, but I’d have to go three or four days without food before I’d tuck into any of Chef Francois's concoctions.
 

 
If relaxed sanitary standards, a cavalier attitude toward the possibility of minor industrial injuries, and a belief that metal shavings are an acceptable garnish will sufficiently validate your guyness, then cooking with power tools may be the right strategy for you.
 
For pure, flat-out guyishness, Power Tool Drag Racing offers the kind of excitement, spirit of competition, mind-boggling pointlessness, and extensive use of extension cords that mark it as an activity practiced by people who have to be reminded to put the seat down. Behold:

 
 
But the ultimate award for guy cred in the power tool category has to go to the people behind the unique go-kart competition held as part of the annual KMS Tools Show and Shine car show held in Coquitlam, BC -- even if they aren’t all guys.  This competition centers on a specially modified go-kart that uses a cordless drill for a motor. Various power tool companies take turns powering the kart with their drills to see whose drill is the fastest and most powerful. Really, how else would you prove the effectiveness of a device designed to make holes in things?
 

And that’s exactly why that drill-powered go-kart is a shining beacon of guyness for those of us who may occasionally feel the need to re-affirm our guyish tendencies. If you want to try your luck in a cage with some tatted-up monster with no neck, or trust your fate to giant rubber bands as you plummet face-first into a rocky ravine, be my guest.  I’m going with power tools. 

Related articles

• The Power Tool Fetish (scribblingbrain.wordpress.com)
• My Husbands Big Power Tool! (tickalongnice.wordpress.com)
• You Should Be Vigilant When Working With Power Too (foodstaycation.com)
• Top 10 Power tools for the Home Owner / DIY'er (tinkererstoolchest.wordpress.com)
• "If women do something like uptalk or vocal fry, it's immediately interpreted as insecure, emotional or even stupid." (althouse.blogspot.com)

Electric Cool: The Rise of the Geek Machines

When you see the phrase "electric vehicle," what's the first thing that comes to mind?  Is it "environmental responsibility?"

"Small carbon footprint?"


"Ed Begley Jr.?"

My guess is that whatever thoughts or images the phrase "electric vehicle" conjured up for you, they had little to do with the sort of essential mating ritual-related stuff that has made the automobile such an  important aspect of American Cool. That's because the rationale and motivation behind developing electric cars has for far too long focused on important, socially responsible, practical stuff like reducing  greenhouse gases and ending our fossil fuel addiction. Those are unquestionably worthwhile goals. But in order to achieve those goals people actually have to buy and drive electric cars. And so far, appealing to  consumers' sense of social responsibility isn't working.

This headline from a storyin the Cleveland Plain Dealer says a tankful:

Consumers need to see a personal benefit to driving electric cars, auto experts say

According to that article, the experts at the Center for Automotive Research cite one big, overriding challenge: "Persuading consumers to give up driving cars that use petroleum because doing so benefits society, not necessarily the individual."

Increasing gas prices. Soaring oil company profits. Messy petro-based global political entanglements with countries that like American dollars but hate America. Add all that to the fact that the air quality around any freeway at rush hour will do to your ability to breathe what diving head-first into an empty swimming pool will do to your ability to do simple math. You'd think that would be enough to convince anyone to give an electric vehicle serious consideration.

But that hasn't happened, apparently. So a different strategy is in order. If electric vehicles are going to really take off, the focus has to shift from selling social responsibility to selling the more personal benefit of  getting from Point A to Point B with sufficient style and cool that the last 10 feet of that journey is littered with hastily removed lingerie.

If you want to convince a guy to buy an electric car, you have to convince him that owning one will make him more like James Bond or Batman or Jason Bourne, rather than like Ed Begley Jr. The electric car has to be positioned as a chick magnet. Car companies have been doing that for decades, so what's the problem now? While the experts at the Center for Automotive Research are trying to figure that out, there are others, dedicated electric vehicle enthusiasts and start-ups among them,, who have taken the issue beyond social responsibility and are actively demonstrating the sex appeal of electric cars by going back to the basics of speed and styling, with a healthy dose of modern geek cred to bring driving into the twenty-first century.

One group engaged in that effort is the National Electric Drag Racing Association (NEDRA), a chapter of the Electric Auto Association. NEDRA is dedicated to increasing public awareness of electric vehicle  performance and encouraging advances in electric vehicle technology through competition.

NEDRA's flagship vehicles are the White Shadow, John "Plasma Boy" Wayland's lithium battery powered 1972 Datsun 1200 Sedan, and Bill Dubé's record-breaking, lithium battery powered KillaCycle
two-wheeler.

Driver Scotty Pollacheck riding KillaCycle

If you're searching IMDB looking for all the Bond movies that featured a '72 Datsun, you can stop. But while the White Zombie isn't an Aston Martin, it goes from zero to sixty in less time than it takes to say "zero to sixty," and regularly blows the doors of off cooler-looking cars that burn dinosaur juice.

Unlike typical dragsters, which can be loud enough to liquefy your brain, the White Zombie and the KillaCycle make almost no motor sounds. What you'll hear in the videos below is mostly squealing tires -- and  something that sounds like a large, cordless electric drill.




[You can follow KillaCycle's exploits on Facebook.]

In the style department, Tesla Motors produces the hot-looking Roadster two-seater, and the sleek and stylish Model S four-door. You can own the Roadster today -- if you have $109k you're not planning on spending on lunch. The company is taking advanced orders on the Model S, at a very reasonable $49,000 base price that includes a $7500 federal tax credit.

Of course, before you shell out the $109k for the Roadster, you might want to watch the following video, in which the White Zombie eats the Roadster's lunch in the quarter mile.




But before you write off the Tesla Roadster as a pansy basket, check out the following video, in which a Roadster tames a Mustang.




While the Tesla models score high marks for demonstrating EV cool and style,  other new companies are taking EV style out of the box and into the future.

The three-wheeled Alias from ZAP(Zero Air Pollution) is a three-wheeler that oozes scifi cool. The Alias is the latest design from ZAP, which also produces a more utilitarian line of EVs. The Alias is available for pre-order at $35k.



Looking to the future, at least two way cool prototypes offer a glimpse of the EV cool to come.

The TZero from AC Propulision is a hand-built two-seater that has all the sporty cool and performance a dude could want, along with the extreme geek appeal of being powered by 7000 laptop batteries. The TZero's bulider claims a zero-to-sixty time of 3.6 seconds. Check out the video to see the TZero smoke a 500hp Dodge Viper.



The eight-wheeled Eliica is another wildly futuristic design. Created by a team led by Prof. Hiroshi Shimizu at Japan's Keio University, the Eliica reportedly has a zero-to-sixty time of four seconds and has hit 230 mph.



Of course, we have to give good old General Motors its due. Style-wise, the Chevy Volt, GM's re-entry into the EV field, is likely to make Prius owners envious. The Volt uses a gas-powered generator to charge its batteries or run it's electric power train. So while it's still dependent on fossil fuel, it's a big step in the right direction. With a base price of $33.5k, the Volt is affordable and cool enough to make social responsibility a bonus.



"What about the Nissan Leaf?" you ask. Yes, it's an EV. And yes, it's base price is well under $30k. But style-wise the Leaf is very much like Ed Begley, Jr. Nice, but not
likely to inspire the shedding of lingerie.



Today's generation of grade-school kids is already familiar with electric vehicles. When those kids come of age, they're not going to be resistant to the idea, but they are going to want what every other generation of drivers has wanted, a car that offers an ego boost, a style upgrade, a cool injection. Based on what's happening in the EV world now, it looks like they're going to get what they want.



End Note
Sadly, one of the of the coolest-looking EVs has already bitten the dust. The company behind the wildy futuristic Aperta three-wheeler recently anounced its demise [See: Aptera: A Brief Chronology Of The Collapse  ]. Too bad.



Related articles, courtesy of Zemanta:

• Electric car reaches record sales
• Electric car pioneer launches startup focused on EV, grid link
• Infographic: Electric Vehicles from Tesla Motors
• "Bricked" Tesla Roadster Battery Launches Electric Vehicle Debate
• Motor Design Workshop for Electric Vehicles
• Poll shows lack of interest in EVs

Human Shelf Life: You Are a Banana

An open letter from a Baby Boomer to Generations X, Y, and Whatever…
It's a fact: the human body will ultimately, inevitably fail. Today you may be absolutely dripping with youthful health and boundless vigor. With reasonable maintenance you may live to a "ripe old age." But the key word in that crusty idiom is "ripe." As is the case with a piece of fruit, the human body reaches it's peak relatively quickly before the inexorable ripening process renders it squishy, wrinkly, discolored, and grossly unappetizing. So regardless of how well you take care of yourself, your human vessel is compost in the making.
That firm, brilliantly yellow banana in your fruit bowl, left uneaten, will begin to rot within a few days. For the human body, however, the process takes a bit longer. In general terms, the human body reaches physical maturity within two decades. (In contrast, the human mind will laugh at fart jokes pretty much right up to the moment of death.) After those first twenty years of human life, essential bodily processes begin slowly grinding to a halt. That shut-down process manifests itself in a variety of interesting ways, including hair loss, muscle loss, memory loss, loss of eyesight, loss of libido, and loss of the ability to get into or out of an automobile without loud groaning.
Your first twenty years are spent growing and physically maturing. After that, based on the current worldwide average for life expectancy (67.2 years), you will spend the next 47-plus years falling apart. If you are fortunate enough to live in a part of the world where healthcare does not involve incantations  and leeches, it will take even longer to achieve complete deterioration.
Those of us who have already taken the first steps on that journey have, for the most part, accepted the inevitable because there's jack squat to be done about it. After all, if you're not aging, you're not breathing. So we settle in for the ride, taking what comfort we can in the knowledge that while we will arrive at life's final destination well ahead of our successors, we will have used up what is left of Social Security and Medicare.
So eat it, punks. Maybe you can do 500 sit-ups. But today's six-pack abs are tomorrow's beer belly. One day you're going to look into your mirror and find a geezer staring back at you.  So you have choices. You can pretend you're not going to grow old --  which, while obviously bat-shit crazy, is what many people do -- or you can accept that your ticket is already as good as punched and arm yourself with a little knowledge about what's going to happen to you during the phase of life that begins a few years after puberty and ends a few hours before a mortician gives you your final makeover.
More on this topic in future posts…

Technorati Tags: aging,health,baby boomer,Gen X,Gen Y,death

del.icio.us Tags: aging,health,baby boomer,Gen X,Gen Y,death

Foster Homes Desperately Needed for Rescued Greyhounds

North Coast Greyhound Adoption & Connection of Ohio (NCGC) has several recently rescued dogs that need temporary foster homes. If you've been thinking about adopting a rescued dog, please consider opening your home on a temporary basis to one of these fantastic animas.

For more information on fostering please visit North Coast Greyhound Adoption & Connection of Ohio.

North Coast Greyhound Connection Holiday Open House

Vermillion, Ohio - November 1, 2011 — Celebrate the holiday season and help support greyhound rescue at the free North Coast Greyhound Rescue Holiday Open House, December 4, 2011, 1:00 pm - 3:30 pm,  at Canine Sports LLC, 1607 State Route 60. Bldg C, Vermillion, Ohio.

The free North Coast Greyhound Connection Holiday Open House is the perfect opportunity to learn more about retired racing greyhounds -- and to aid in the ongoing effort to find permanent homes for these amazing animal athletes.  Greyhounds of all ages, sizes, and colors will be on hand, along with volunteers, adopters, and foster parents who are ready to share their insight and expertise about this wonderful breed.  

What: North Coast Greyhound Connection Holiday Open House
When: December 4, 2011 - 1:00pm - 3:30 pm
Where: Canine Sports LLC
            1607 State Route 60. Bldg C (behind behind Vineyard Square Plaza)
             Vermillion, Ohio 44089

Humans attending the event will enjoy holiday music, desserts, and beverages. Vendors will offer holiday gifts for pets and pet lovers alike. Donated goods and services will be up for bid in a silent auction. And raffle winners will go home with a variety of prizes, including the famous "Mother Bunny" squeaky stuffed bunny dog toy.  This dog-friendly event will also include a canine obstacle course and a pooch pedicure, each available for a small donation.

North Coast Greyhound Connection and Adoption of Ohio is an all volunteer nonprofit organization located in Fremont, Ohio. NCGC is committed to placing retired racing greyhounds in loving homes throughout northern Ohio. Every dollar that comes into the organization goes directly to cover transportation, medical care, and rehabilitation costs in finding permanent, caring homes for these magnificent, gentle dogs.

CONTACT
Bill Taylor ( reward41@yahoo.com )
North Coast Greyhound Connection
http://www.northcoastgreyhoundconnection.org
Toll Free: 1-877-624-2364

Brush with Fame

Spotted this item from NPR:
So You Think You're A Superfan? : The Picture Show : NPR

Last month, we asked you to send us photos of yourself with your favorite musician, and to tell us about the time you waited outside the club in the freezing rain for hours and finally got to — gasp — MEET THE BAND!

It brought to mind a funny story...
A couple of years ago my buddy George and I saw Robbie Fulks perform at the Black Swamp Arts and Music Festival. After Fulks’ set we wandered (well, stumbled…) over to the merchandise tent to buy some CDs and see if we could talk to the man.
The couple in front of us in line asked Fulks if they could snap a photo with him. He happily obliged. Then it was my turn. I congratulated Fulks on a great set, got him to autograph the CD I’d just purchased, and then handed him my camera and asked if he’d snap a photo of me and George.
Fulks looked confused for a moment, then chuckled and took this photo.

del.icio.us Tags: music fans,npr,black swamp festival,robbie fulks

Technorati Tags: music fans,npr,black swamp festival,robbie fulks

Why I Love Rhapsody

Amazon Cloud Player? No thanks.

So Amazon is getting a lot of attention with the introduction of its new cloud-based music service. Yawn…
I don’t see that it stacks up at all against Rhapsody, a truly cloud-based music service.
About two years ago I was at QCon San Francisco and had a great, wide ranging conversation with a software engineer from Rhapsody.  About a year later, while calculating how much I was spending on music every month – mostly on iTunes, occasionally on Amazon – I remembered that conversation and visited the Rhapsody site. The price was right, $10 a month for all the music I wanted.
I signed up, and haven’t looked back.
Short-sighted luddites will say, “Yeah, but you can’t download the music, and if you drop your subscription, your music goes away.” Wrong.
Here’s the deal….
The only reason we buy CDs or download music is a matter of access. You lay down your money to insure that you can listen to your tunes any time you want, any where you want. That concept made sense in the steam-powered days before the Internet. Back then you either carried your music with you on some kind of storage device (cassette tape, portable CD player, or later, MP3 player) or you listened to it on the radio. Your access to music was limited by how much you could afford to buy, and/or what your favorite radio station played.
Fast-forward a couple of decades… Cassettes are dinosaur bones, and CDs are going extinct as you watch. Most music is purchased online and downloaded to a computer, where it can then be transferred to a portable MP3 player. A vast improvement in convenience over vinyl or CDs, but not without issues.
One big issue is storage. Once you download that music you have to put it somewhere safe so that if your computer craps out the money you’ve invested in tunes doesn’t vanish along with all your other data.
So you buy back-up drives, or you pay for a back-up service like Carbonite. That made sense. Once.
Which brings me to why I love Rhapsody:

• At $10 bucks a month I now pay a fraction of what I used to pay for music on iTunes.
• Storage is no longer an issue. True, I still have 10,000 songs on my hard drive (one of the reasons I have a Carbonite account). But most of the music I “own” and regularly listen to is available on Rhapsody. So if I lost those files through hard drive failure, not a big deal. In fact, had Rhapsody been around when I bought those tunes originally, I could have saved a ton of money.
• I can listen to entire albums by unfamiliar artists at absolutely no risk. If I like what I hear,  I add it to my Rhapsody library. No messing around with 30 second samples. If I don’t like what I hear, no loss. This means that I end up listening to a lot of stuff I might otherwise miss because I didn’t want to risk $10 on an unfamiliar album in iTunes. So I can afford to expand my musical horizons, because no matter how many songs or entire albums I add to my Rhapsody library, I still pay only $10 a month. I spend more on coffee.
• The Rhapsody app on my iPhone makes my Rhapsody library portable. I can put my phone in the dock  connected to the sound system in my living room, or plug my phone into the system in my vehicle.
• Music in my Rhapsody library can be downloaded to my iPhone for listening when I’m not connected to the 3g network or wifi.

Is there a downside? Yes. Rhapsody’s music selection is vast, but limited. There are some gaping holes, in fact. No Beatles, for one. But iTunes only added the Fab Four in the past year, so that omission isn’t all that surprising.  But Rhapsody’s selection also includes a lot of music that I was surprised to find, rare stuff by some obscure bands. And I expect that as time goes on the gaps will be filled.
In the end, it’s all about access. As long as I have 24/7/365 access to the music I want, why would I want to store the stuff locally? Like many people I’m getting pretty damn tired of the term “cloud computing,” but that’s where it’s all headed. Most of my TV viewing is now done via Netflix and Hulu Plus – services that offer the same benefits as Rhapsody: a vast selection of on-demand content that I can access through multiple devices anytime I want, anywhere I want.
And if Rhapsody goes away, some other service will be there to take it’s place. My music will always be available. No files, no storage, no risk. Just all the tunes I want.
So Amazon’s Cloud Music Player…? No biggie.

Technorati Tags: home entertainment,cloud computing,Rhapsody,Amazon Cloud Player

del.icio.us Tags: home entertainment,cloud computing,Rhapsody,Amazon Cloud Player

Game Review: 5 Minutes to Kill (Yourself)

One of a series of game review videos I did that appeared in two different publications: TapTilt, an experimental magazine for the iPhone, and Sideways, an equally experimental magazine for the iPad. Both were produced by SIdeways LLC, which is doing still doing innovative stuff in e-publishing. 

del.icio.us Tags: iphone,adult swim,ipad,game review

Technorati Tags: iphone,adult swim,ipad,game review

iPad Game Review: Predators

This is the last of a series of game review videos I did for Sideways, an experimental magazine published exclusively on the iPad. While the magazine only put out three issues, the company behind the magazine, Sideways LLC, is still very much alive, and doing some truly amazing stuff in the e-publishing realm.

Technorati Tags: ipad,predators,chillingo,fox digital entertainment,sideways.

del.icio.us Tags: ipad,predators,chillingo,fox digital entertainment,sideways.

Spicy With a Side of Deadly

Among my friends hot peppers are not so much a culinary matter as they are a gauge of manhood. While some guys go in for bungie jumping or skating down the sides of tall buildings, my buddies test their testosterone by eating things that other people use to repel muggers.

Let’s face it, hot peppers as a flavor enhancer are fine. But at the point where the cook is using life-threatening peppers, it’s gone beyond food. We’re into the realm of self-mutilation here. Why eat something that tastes good, but hurts really bad? If you’re going to do that you might as well just eat a good meal and then ask the waiter to drive staples into your forehead.

One friend is a pepper fanatic, known for his delicious home-made beef jerky (he marinates it for hours in napalm). He’ll often offer samples to his friends. These taste tests are a kind of sadomasochistic, male-bonding, pain-endurance ritual. “Try some of this,” he says. Then all the guys stand around chewing, making appreciative noises, watching each other to see who’s going to cry.

“Delicious,” I manage to say, while several of my major organs hand in their resignations.

I once saw a chart that described the wide variety of hot peppers and their relative heat. It turns out that the serial killer of hot peppers is the mighty habanero. NASA used habaneros to test the re-entry tiles on the Space Shuttles. Habanero farmers are required to register with Homeland Security. Special permits are necessary to ship habaneros through populated areas.

So naturally, somebody thought that cooking with habaneros would be fun. Probably someone who enjoys shaving with a belt sander.

I once had dinner with some friends in a Manhattan restaurant that specialized in spicy Southwestern cuisine. The menu featured a variety of dishes like “Eat This and Die Pork,” and “Flaming Ulcer Beef.” Right away, a challenge, a gauntlet thrown, a little, mocking voice saying, “What’s the matter, Mr. Pansy Basket?”

After a few Mexican beers my machismo-meter was in the red zone. I was no longer the middle-aged blonde guy from the midwest. I was Paunchy Villa! I ordered a dish called “Death by Chilies.”

Death does not frighten me, amigo.

The meal was a delicious chicken concoction, very potent, but within my range of tolerance. I became overconfident. Off to one side of my plate were two habanero peppers. I popped one into my mouth.

Really hot peppers don’t hit you right away, especially if you’re washing down your meal with beer. It took about a five-count before I stopped breathing. I was pretty sure that the pepper had eaten through my tongue and jaw, and was laying in my lap. I drank water, beer, wine, moist towelettes, anything cold and wet. I was perilously close to writhing. Writhing in a restaurant is frowned upon, even in New York. I sat very still, trying not to weep openly.

“Death By Chilies?” They should have named this stuff “Beg For A Bullet In The Head Chicken.”

After weeks of counseling by sensitive professionals I was able to talk about the experience. I’m a better man for it.

Months later I was sitting in a Cleveland bar when a couple sat next to me and ordered chicken wings. The bartender asked, “You want Mild, Spicy, or Deadly?”

The couple thought it over. The man was tentative. He said, “Could we have Spicy, with a side of Deadly?”

I finished my drink and left a buck on the bar. Amateurs, I thought. Wimps.

[This item was originally published in a slightly different form in 1996 in Howdy, what was then the AOL humor section.]

Books in the Cloud?

Reading E-Books Rewrite Bookselling in today’s Wall Street Journal got me thinking about how much the manner in which I consume media has changed of late.

Several months ago I cancelled all of my cable movie channels and re-activated my NetFlix account; I stream the movies more often watching via DVD.  Similarly, I also recently started using Rhapsody (love it!), a fantastic alternative to downloading and storing music -- and worrying about secure back-ups to protect my investment. I also cancelled my Sirius-XM account because my iPhone is a far more useful and flexible alternative (especially with the Rhapsody app.)

So a great deal of the media I consume lives in the Cloud, where I can access it via a variety of devices.  Is there a similar model on the horizon for the publishing industry?

While I often read newspaper and magazine articles on my iPhone, the idea of reading a book on that device never appealed to me. But the iPad offers an excellent book-reading experience, so much so that I doubt that I'll purchase another paper book (with the exception of library sales and the occasional irresistible remainder bargain.)

But rather than having to download and store digital copies of books, I'd love to see a model similar to Rhapsody or NetFlix, where I pay for 24/7, any-device access to the e-books I want to read.

Audible, the digital audiobook company, has a  sort of hybrid model. The audiobooks I've purchased are permanently stored on the site, where they can be streamed to my computer. The downside is that if I want to listen on my iPhone I have to download the file and then upload to my device. But unlike content I purchase from iTunes, if any of my Audible purchases are accidentally deleted, I can download another copy from the site. (An Audible iPhone app that allows me to stream titles in my library seems like a no-brainer, no?)

(At least as far as music is concerned, Apple's purchase of Lala may signal a move to a cloud-based model that will go head-to-head with Rhapsody. Time will tell.)
Audible also offers monthly membership deals that allow users to download a predetermined number of titles each month.

So as the new breed of ebook stores comes online, I hope someone offers a model similar to NetFlix, Rhapsody, and Audible.

 

del.icio.us Tags: audible,netflix,rhapsody,itunes,iphone,ipad,ebooks,taptilt,sideways

Technorati Tags: audible,netflix,rhapsody,itunes,iphone,ipad,ebooks,taptilt,sideways

 

Cross posted to Bob Rhubart’s Blog and Smallification

Top 100s by Year by Bing

As iPhone music apps go, Top 100s by Year by Bing is pretty damn cool, especially if you’re a pop music fan of certain age. But after combing through some of the year-by-year lists, I have questions about the source of the data.

For the year 1962,  the BillBoard Top 100 list has many songs in common with the Bing list. But focusing on the top ten, there are significant differences…

Bing	Billboard
Green Onions -- Booker T and the MGs Bring It On Home To Me -- Sam Cooke You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me -- The Miracles The Loco-Motion -- Little Eva Sherry -- Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons I Can’t Stop Loving You -- Ray Charles Up On The Roof -- The Drifters Twist and Shout -- The Isley Brothers These Arms of Mine -- Otis Reading Do You Love Me -- The Contours	Roses Are Red (My Love) -- Bobby Vinton I Can't Stop Loving You -- Ray Charles Let's Twist Again -- Chubby Checker Stranger On The Shore -- Mr. Acker Bilk The Stripper -- David Rose Johnny Angel -- Shelley Fabares The Loco-Motion -- Little Eva Breaking Up Is Hard to Do -- Neil Sedaka Mashed Potato Time -- Dee Dee Sharp Soldier Boy -- Shirelles

For my money, the Bing list, being heavy on classic R&B, is far more listenable. But what’s the source of the data? And there are other issues that have me very suspicious of the Bing data.

For instance, the Bing app lists The Beatles “Love Me Do” at #15 for 1962. But according to Wikipedia, the Beatles are nowhere men on the ‘62 US charts; that song wasn’t released here until April 1964.  “Love Me Do” did show up on the UK charts in ‘62, but according to Wikipedia, it peaked at #17.

There are other issues. The Bing app lists Roy Orbison’s “Blue Bayou” at #65 for 1963. According to Wikipedia, that song peaked on the Billboard Pop Singles chart for 1963 at #29.  Another issue is that the Bing app plays a live version of the song that I strongly suspect is from Orbison’s Black and White Night set from 1988. If I’m looking at the chart for ‘63, I want the version of the song that made it to that chart.

Yes, the Bing Top 100s app is free  -- for now, at least. And regardless of the data source it’s very cool to have access, however limited, to this amazing archive of pop hits. But I wish the people behind the app would share information on the source of the charts, and take pains to insure that the version of the song the app plays is the same version that hit the charts.

On the other side of the fence, I’ll take issue with some of the negative comments about the Bing ads that play periodically as you listen to the tunes. The app is free, fer cryin’ out loud,  and while you can’t control the playlist, you get to listen to the entire track for each song, rather than a sample. What’s not to like?

For me, this app takes me back to the days when I first heard these songs, over the radio, on AM not FM, and with commercials. Didn’t bug me then, doesn’t bug me now.

I’ll use this app a lot this summer, with my iPhone or Touch plugged into a set of speakers on my patio, sipping cool adult beverages and thinking back to an era that remains unsurpassed in pop music history.

 

Technorati Tags: iphone,app store,bing,music,beatles,orbison,billboard

del.icio.us Tags: iphone,app store,bing,music,beatles,orbison,billboard

Defining Freedom

The Rise Of Republican Nihilism | The New Republic

This fascinating article by Jonathan Chait includes lovely bit:

"In the right-wing mind, the world we live in at any given moment can be described as the free market, the American way of life, perhaps not a perfect world but a cherished and fundamentally free one. The next advance of liberalism will always bring socialism, tyranny, a crushing burden on industry, and other horrors. The previous liberal advances that they or their predecessors greeted with such hysteria are eventually incorporated into the landscape of the free American way of life."

Wish I'd said that.